...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
