you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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