is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
