the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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