dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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