Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
