I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
