She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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