Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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