now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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