The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
