She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
