Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
