I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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