Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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