I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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