my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
