This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize