he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
