ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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