He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
