Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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