Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
