Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
