I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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