i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
