We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
