If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
