the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
