you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
