he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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