...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
