legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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