So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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