i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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