If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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