So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize