we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
