I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I take back everything I said about communal showers
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
