You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize