Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I wish there were birth control emojis
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
