take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Houston, we have a blender
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize