he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
