Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize