Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
