i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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