I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
