I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
