Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
