I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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