Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
