Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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