Yo dont text me then not text me
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
