its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
