nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
