My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
