you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
