My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
