I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
