My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
