Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
