Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
