Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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