Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
