Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
