We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
