I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
