Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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