Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
