I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
