Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
